CALLING ALL RUNNERS

If you can get to QLD, Australia, please do, because right now I am very stressed. And when I am stressed, I bake. And when I bake, I mean, I really bake. So now there are approx. 11 million cakes, cupcakes, muffins, cookies, tarts, bread loaves, and pies in my house. They are amazingly delicious, but I cannot eat them all. The guest also cannot eat them all (he's still mostly on an icecream-and-jelly diet while his mouth heals.)

This is where you come in! I'm rostered off for a while, so if you happen to be in Queensland, I can feed you. Since it's the season and the river is nicely full, I can also teach you useful things like how to climb eucalypts, how to catch yabbies without losing one finger per capture, how to dispose of stolen cars/bodies/pitchblende, and even, potentially, how to make various illegal but useful supplies. I'm just saying.

Seriously, swing by. Not only do I have free baked goods, I have an awful lot of BWS stock that needs drinking.

lost some time yesterday, but doing okay now

This charming thing showed up outside my house today! It has been, err, altered in the ways you'd expect.

This is very strange, because while the old man hasn't shown up, several unpleasant pieces of body horror have started to make themselves manifest. My calves, for instance, have gotten longer. By about 10cm so far. I'm assuming this is something to do with the old man. Honey, I'm 30-something divorcee. Not only am I far too old for a growth spurt, but the dead animals and teleportations are quite enough to impress me.  A+ for effort, but kindly settle down. 

(Though on the plus side, I'm losing weight with a speed usually associated with crystal meth use or multiple organ failure. I haven't looked this good in a while. The old man may brutally murder us all, but at least I will leave a fantastic corpse.)

My guest is quite sick--I think there's an infection in some of his injuries. His teeth have gotten some attention and are looking a lot better now, but there's not a lot of ways to explain what happened to his fingers without getting asked questions we'd rather not answer. I've got a friend who can patch him up some, but what we really need is someone planning a ram raid.

I was in the CBD this evening. I looked at my phone, it said 5:54, and when I looked up I was in a forest. I don't know where the forest was, at a guess I'd say Canungra because there was a lot of the fucked up malevolent vegetation they get out that way before. There were... Bags. I think you know what I mean.

Looked down at my phone, 5:56. Looked up. Back on the CBD as if I'd never been gone.

But I know I was gone.

I also know that the old man is not here. I cannot see him. Inky cannot see him. He has not shown up in photos or video and believe me we are taking a lot of those.

He is not here.

He is not here.

although if he is here it would explain something about mt current... state of being.

And Ava's still missing. I don't want to tell Inky yet. It'd break his heart. So shhhhh nonexistent audience. Sh.

Odd.

Constant storms, awful static on every phone, radio, TV, etc. in the neighbourhood, and no Internet access until I get 11km or more away from my house... but neither hide nor hair of the old man. My guest's doing well, his hand is fucked but the dentist might be able to do something for his teeth.

There is... other stuff too. Suffice to say something REALLY FUCKING WEIRD happened to me today. I think we might need help.

Proper status update when I can get to a real computer.

crisis averted

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I have a new job. It's even in the field I want to work in! I've been buried under a mountain of paperwork, though. Now that the worst is over hopefully I can get back to updating here...

I have a friend from down south staying with me. I'm sure some of you know him. The poor kid lost some teeth recently, so I'm stockpiling icecream and looking for bulk-billing dentists.

In other news, I've definitely got some of my skills back--this is what I did to K's leg at training the other day. :D FUCK YES ROLLER DERBY. It keeps me young.

We have a very serious problem.

that most elusive of creatures, the job that doesn't suck

I'm a grown-up with a post-graduate qualification. I have been reduced to applying for jobs at Woolworths, Liquor Land, and the local sex shop.

FML.

gasp! sunlight!

We had a whole day of sun today! It was amazing. The last time we had any sun was the day I burned my shoulders to a crisp, and even that was only for a couple of hours. Today we had light from sunup to sundown. Beautiful.

Naturally, I had to go for a nice long skate to celebrate (I remembered to bring my sunscreen this time!)

Beautiful day on the bayside.

You know why the beach is closed? Because the flood washed a fuckload of stonefish into the shallows. You can't see them--as the name suggests, they look exactly like normal rocks--and if you step on them and don't immediately receive CPR followed by advanced life support, you die! Charming beasties. Oh, Australia.

As much as I complain I do actually love this country quite a lot.

coaches are bastards

Q: Why do derby girls wear kneesocks?
A: To hide the strapping tape.

Like the perfect ballet dancer, the perfect rollergirl is a mythical beast. The human body is not meant to bend and stretch in the ways we do. A coach told me I would not be allowed to skate if I didn't get the pain in my legs checked out by a physio, and the physio opined that I'm a few steps away from giving myself a stress fracture. I have been informed I should "take it easy" for a little while.

...yeah good luck with that.

(Yes, I have a tattoo on my foot. I have many tattoos.)

well i knew this was gonna suck

Shin splints. Ow, ow, ow...

The worst part is that I know exactly what causes them. There's a pair of hills I skate up every single day that are... not hugely steep, but very long, and my skating stride is not good for them. Most derby girls have a speedskater-esque stride, pushing straight out to the sides. Mine is much closer to an artistic/figure skater stride, pushing behind with a twist at the end for more push. It's effective on the flat and gives me a lot of maneuverability (very handy, given my major strengths as a blocker are my big dramatic sweeps and positional blocking) but when pushing up the hills the twist causes intense stabbing pain down the inside of my tibias. Trying to stretch it out is nigh-impossible, though I've had some success via enlisting other people to lean their full bodyweight onto my feet while I do it.

At least I can actually see progress now. I do this skate nightly, usually with at least a couple other people. When I was first starting out, I asked around my league for people who might want to come with me... only the people who wanted to come were VV and M, a couple (a jammer and a ref, their forbidden love is epic) who are super fit, super fast, and heavily into extreme sports. VV can sprint the bridge while pushing their baby in a pram they had made special for this purpose--the whole rig weighs about 30 kilos now, an amount that will only increase as Derby Baby grows.The other person who comes along, though not as regularly, is J--she's also a jammer, and I'm pretty sure she was a pro speed skater or something for a while. Again, crazily fit. Other people come along sometimes, but again, most of them are super fit (most people who are at my level are too intimidated to come along, I think.)

L-R: VV, M, Derby Baby, and J.

(Err, the reason I'm going by acronyms and not mentioning specific places or teams or leagues is because I have a bad habit of picking up internet stalkers every time I make myself even a little bit identifiable. Hence why all the pictures on this blog are taken with a shitty cameraphone, with crap lighting--this one was taken in the glow of J's headlights.)

But I am improving. I know this, because the first time I did the skate I couldn't keep up at all, I was gasping for air the whole way, and I wanted to lay down and die at the end. Tonight I kept up the whole way except for a little bit near the end, and even managed to talk instead of panting my way through it. All this after ten skates! It's certainly good motivation to keep going (and watching VV setting an insane pace while pushing Derby Baby is certainly motivation to push my own limits pretty hard.)

I just wish my damn shins would take the message... this bullshit is getting old.

that's not a good sound...

On the left, a normal bearing. On the right, my bearing after I pried it out of my wheel. Apparently I've skated so hard in these past few weeks that I managed to melt it. I have never heard of a bearing doing that before! I only cleaned it two weeks ago, but halfway through my usual route it started to squeak and it seized up entirely at the top of a hill. I just barely managed to avoid a very embarrassing faceplant.

Honestly I was kind of glad for the chance to stop skating a little early today, even though I did end up having to walk a long fucking way to get back to my car. The wind was insane. I could barely breathe while I was skating into it, and every time I slowed down even a little I felt like my sweat was freezing to my skin. I hope it settles down some tomorrow.

so many assholes in this place

Ugh, forget the fucking Slender Man, my plate is quite full enough with human assholes. Everywhere I turn today, staggering incompetence and/or douchebaggery. Some dickhead at Centerlink losing my check, some fuckwit on a bike trying to run me over while I'm skating (the look on his face when I chased him down and gave him a piece of my mind was priceless--the moron was so fucking shocked that I could catch up!) and now some asshat trying to tell me my laptop isn't covered by warranty when it clearly is, I know this because I HAVE THE PIECE OF PAPER IN MY HAND.

Positive thoughts for today:

• My big sister is being completely awesome. Yay, awesomeness!
• I have a job interview. Yay, employment!
• There's going to be a derby world cup this year. Yay, derby!
• I have achieved a truly ridiculous degree of flexibility, especially in my ankles and spine. Yay, ligaments!
• Training tonight is really going to hurt, but in the good way (I hope.) Yay, masochism!

oops

Just so you know, skating directly into an oncoming storm that may or may not be the tail end of a really big cyclone is a bad idea. Not that it stopped me from doing it or anything, but it's a really bad idea.

happy new year!

Anna's 27th happily coincided with Chinese New Year, so we went out to a Mandarin restaurant for her birthday dinner. The lion came and hung out with us for a while. Here he is, eating someone's head.

This guy got tired partway through the lion dance and sat down at our table for a bit. I can't blame him, it was hot as hell (35C, I think?)

On the way home I was driving through a heavily forested alleyway, saw something shiny out the corner of my eye, and immediately went "OH GOD IT'S THE SLENDER MAN DON'T EAT ME BRO." It was a lamp post. Never underestimate my brain's ability to overreact... stupid brain.

that was surreal

So I just survived a class five tropical cyclone. Yaaaaay! For those Americans out there, this is how big it was:

Cyclone Yasi superimposed over the continental USA (via news.com.au).

I was staying with one of my friends up Townsville way when Cyclone Yasi hit--all my stuff is fine, thank god, but I'm starting to think something's out to get me. Recording breaking floods that washed the entire Lockyer Valley away, biggest cyclone to ever hit Australia coming down on my head, and I'm still fine. There's not even property damage. What next, a tsunami? Is Australia going to start sprouting volcanos?

I printed out a bunch of Slender Man Mythos stuff (Seeking Truth, The Tutorial, and the London Librarian--I had a lot of time to kill, okay) to take with me when we evacuated, and  I managed to creep myself the fuck out, reading it by candlelight with Yasi roaring away. Note to self: next time you shelter from a cyclone the size of the America, fluffy literature only. Janet Evanovich, maybe, or Cornelia Funke. No high octane nightmare fuel!

Anyway, I'm back home now, with some slightly soggy Towns Villains crashing on my couch until the SES gives their area the all-clear. I've also solved my money problems in the short term, in a slightly unglamorous way--I've officially quit my job and I'm taking unemployment benefits until I can get work... wherever. If I don't get an interview by mid-February I'm not above seeking work at Woolworths. I just can't afford to be "employed" and not working and more importantly not getting paid. It sucks but I have to be practical.

Kung hei fat choy! (And happy birthday, Anna!)

roar

So remember how we had those pesky floods destroying large swathes of south-east Queensland? My workplace was one of the things that went under. As in, entirely under. When we first evacuated, management took the position that since we weren't working, we wouldn't be getting paid. When they reopened and we went back to work, we would get a little bit of backpay for the period of the shut down. Whatever, it sucks for me, but that's capitalism for you. I had some money saved. I could deal.

Today, word came down from on high that not only would we not be receiving any amount of pay for the time in which we couldn't work due to a natural disaster, but that the reopening was being delayed until April, at the earliest. This? Is not okay. I was expecting to be back at work some time in February. I do not have enough money to cover rent and food until April-at-the-earliest. Much less things like electricity, the phone bill, and oh yes, roller derby, which is at this point pretty much my sole luxury.

So I'll be gone for a while, because I'm disconnecting my internet and using as little electricity as possible in the name of being able to eat in March, but with some luck either management will stop being douchebags or I'll find a new job. Honestly I'd take a position as a checkout chick right now. We're only just getting back into training, and I don't want to have to bow out on a new season and my new team.

I look like a plus-size lobster

Managed to give myself some spectacular sunburn today. Note to self: your sense of time-management blows, and you are too goddamn white to ever, ever not wear sunscreen.

Aloe vera can only do so much. Ow, ow, ow...

stocking up on panadol

The sky at 5AM. Feels like this has been as close as we've gotten to a sunrise since October.

Goals: by the end of February, I will be running 5KM per day, I will be skating the same length every day at full pack speed without stopping, I will be juking and cutting and jumping as well as I was last year. I can do it, I just have to keep pushing through.

This is gonna suck.

this should be interesting

My name is ______ and I’m a roller derby addict.

Or, well, apparently not, which is kind of the problem. The last bout of my league’s season was in November, and I was off skates (and on the couch) from then until last night. Throw in the craziness of the floods, a series of epic Christmas and NYE parties, and a major illness that ate up most of my January, and last night went something like this:

1. Get on skates.

2. Fall on ass at least three times.

3. Give up on derby stance after ten minutes because of insane pain in thighs.

4. Sweat like a pig for the rest of the time.

Admittedly, Step Four may have had something to do with the ridiculous 40C heat we’ve been having lately, but it still doesn’t feel good. Damn you, off season! What is this shit? Where did my ability to stay in a low crouch while getting beaten up for half an hour go?

Our first bout is in April. One way or another, I am gonna be ready. This blog is for progress reports, bitching, and inspiration. We’ll see how this goes.

Right, off to the gym to lift heavy things and run until I puke.

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